Expert WomanHit.ru Maria Dyachkova — how not to cripple future adult life of your child
In the last article we talked about why it is difficult even in adulthood to forgive parents. And it is unfair to raise such a topic, omitting at the same time its downside. For someone parents are monsters, and for someone — angels, no less. The perfect, infallible, loving and loved, the best and liberated them from the critical gaze.
Being a parent myself, I can say that it is, of course, a dream. Dream that my children never gave me the account for my mistakes. To look in them, as in the mirror of motherhood, I would say: "Everything was done right." This immature fantasy that helps to slow down the power of guilt.
Modern parenthood this feeling is strongly associated. Starting with pregnancy, the flip side of happiness is the fault entirely lying on the mother and the father. In ill health, upbringing, behavior, and later — the Outlook and actions of the child blaming the parents. So society works. With the development of the Internet is increasingly the topic of guilt of the mothers and fathers were top in the discussion. Comments with the hashtag to AZAMAT began to ridicule the frenzied concern about the children, posts about the planes screaming children, disturbing sleep of other passengers gaining social media popularity. In the eyes of society the imperfect mother, to the father less issues in our culture. What would mother do, whatever, for a certain part of society, it will be wrong and the blame for the choice of methods of child care and education. And that remains the mothers? At least — fathers, what is left?
The child unconditionally loves his parents, but not worth it, polzovatsya: Pixabay.com/ru
The only viewers who don't know how it should be and what actually is right is their own children. They submit any parent will. What is even more sad, they love their parents, and often this allows them to notice a real parental misconduct or even violence. Parents quite a long time remain ideal for children. And this, unfortunately, is easy to start to use it, thereby decompensirovanny the inherent unfairness of the world. Even if the mother knows that the father she a mess in relationships, infidelity and lies, in the eyes of the child she is perfection, which is doing everything to keep the family together. And when a man ceases to earn money and financial take care of the family, the child, if he is properly present, some time will sympathize with the dad because he's waiting for the dream job, not betraying the soul of the hated the work.
To idealize the parents of the child are the norm. They are archangels, they represent strength and power, the fulfillment of all his desires and needs, especially when it is still small. The problem comes when parents begin to artificially prolong the romantic attachment of the child to his authority.
For a child it has strong consequences. To adolescence thinking is built so that critical and combine the two to reconsider their foundations, received the family birthright, to win their own authority and independence of the individual. But what kind of rebellion is it? How to rebel against the ideal? After all, he's ideal. What's not to like?
But the rebellion needed to complete the formation of personality. Can't be an independent person who does not know how to defend themselves, to rely on their own judgment and follow his truth. Normally, these skills are formed during adolescence but are not generated completely, if there is a perfect parent. In this psychological age of the person is stuck and decades later, are beginning to rebel with other authorities: partners, bosses, husbands or wives, it is not at the address to destroy the created projects and relationships. All because once a perfect parent took the love of his child, took her to the lease to reduce the pressure of guilt. And his grown children, who created their own families, behave like thirteen year old girls and boys, fighting for power, master yourself, and undermine the confidence where it's completely inappropriate.
Perfect parents not to criticize. But riot necessary for the formation of the personality, rebenito: Pixabay.com/ru
And of course, an absolute machine this is repeated in the next generation. Until then, until someone starts to fight back his own guilt, be stable before the face of social stereotypes, which is much more than the real values. The more parents learn to educate children based on values, the less children will have to bear the burden of parental guilt, and the means to be more free in their lives and more real. The reality is far from ideal, and so it is interesting.
But what if you have "perfect" parents? Honestly? To start with you. A nonideal. A lying, cowardly, surrendering, passive, rude, dishonest, impatient, quick-tempered, ignoring... And to see in it a remarkable similarity with their parents. Even pobijedila PAL that "the Apple fall far from the tree". Sometimes it takes years, but it is not mandatory. Growing up is unpleasant, but the only joy is getting to know the real him.