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What to do with "sofa" husband

Expert talks about the reasons and methods of changes of the situation in which de-energized the male energy

Do doctors have the comic "the law of pair cases," however, is absolutely applicable in practice. Found pathology — look for a second.

And in psychological practice it works differently. Client brought a problem — and then on the chain, this pulled similar cases. Not so long ago in my working field was called "divan husband," so, it's time to describe it.

With this question come women, successful in their careers, have given birth to children. Material and property aspects of family life for them. On strategic matters relating to the upbringing and development of children: where and how to learn how to build a schedule (in contact with the child as such are often not enough resources), where to buy the apartment, where to go to relax. Men at home: doing something on the farm, somewhere to go on behalf of his wife, watching the older generation, Park the car in the garage. If you have children, then help them. And that's it. Sitting at home, a lot of money for their needs and not asking anywhere from home, do not rush.

In General, the situation that satisfies all parties to some crisis of the moment. Often associated with the threat of losing health nurse. Then on the "cushion" men are bombarded by an avalanche of pent-up years, sometimes decades, of anger.

Here are a few things that had to face when working with these cases.

1. System level. If you look at several generations in these families, it is possible to detect lost during the years of war and repression, dispossession and further into the depths of history, the stories about the disappeared men. How they were killed, persecuted, imprisoned, shot. In memory of the family remains, that of the house — only weak, dead, no good men. In a sense, disability is not only physical, but also the loss of the will to manifest life is immune from the family's losses. To save themselves and protect the family from grief is possible in our time through "failures" with the job search or at the root zagnuvsheysya business.

2. All as always rests on the MOTHER. Most women with such a family situation with a detailed questioning revealed that mothers in their childhood was not, or were too hard/unattainable/critical/punishing and cold. In a sense, in the childhood these women the concept of "home" is not the warm and secluded. They are more keen to remember the youth, camping, love to classmates than family home evening. Now my husband is not in functionality, as well as the presence, compensate for "warm" and "accessible" mother. It is the mother-in-law don't even know live their interests and to be the most brutal of men. It is not the way of life, and as a contact with him when the family at home.

3. This implies another observation. The absence of such husbands at home plunges them in all other respects, successful wives in a state close to the desperate and the decadent. All the anxiety, all the complaints and criticism, until now vent on her husband, in the absence of the object remains with its carrier, that is with a woman. It loses strength and falls to the bottom of the feelings about herself where she is not a leader, "fire" and "everybody's in charge here". On this day she is de-energized, alone and with signs of learned helplessness, that is, the state when we do not see sense to ask for help, as repeatedly experienced failure and gave up.

How to deal with it and whether you can help?

For each of the levels — the decision and even their methods. Most importantly, you've got to understand that all of these methods are not intended to my husband got up from the couch and went to work.

In the first case, our task is to see how customers with ancestral memory of parting with "strong" men decide that the family Covenant with the de-energization of male energy.

In the second case, the issues with the mother it is better to decide not to postpone... Methods for this do not count, perhaps.

In the third case, the task of the client to usurp the depressing thoughts and States projected before the 'divan husband." To assign and give real vent to the condition in your own life.

Ways weight, but to see them, first, is to become interested in such family symptoms, as in the famous joke: "- Darling, you need a change! — What will be on the TV and stare at the couch?".

Maria Dyachkova, a psychologist, family therapist and host of the personal growth training Training center Marik Khazin


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