Expert WomanHit.ru — family psychologist, sexologist, author and facilitator of psychological trainings and workshops, member of the European Association of psychotherapists Lydia Gor, — how to learn to love and be loved
How to find the one true love, to strive for each and every one individually? One there is no single recipe. Love because it is about many things, about relationships and, oddly enough, about the relationship with yourself.
Love. When the poems compose themselves. And were thrown into a fever from thinking about your partner. And butterflies in the stomach and when the wings grow back. Yes, but it is physiology. Hormones play with the man a malicious joke. All the negative emotions and rational thinking are locked. A sense of pleasure and joy, "love euphoria" takes over common sense. All this is fine and surprising, Yes, but the state of romantic love can last long only in the distance. As soon as the lovers begin to live together, there is a common way of life, responsibilities, commitments, children are born, it ends. And there is a period of exploration of each other.
So if you do not wish to part with the romantic passions, and want to experience their necessity, usefulness, constant sex appeal and attractiveness, not want to take responsibility and obligations do not live together and bear children. Why bring up the injured children and to experience the partner's strength. Most likely, You will be able to live without trust and confidence in the future, without emotional intimacy and warmth, and without what is called love. Stay in love and in their fantasies, dream, that somewhere out there, there is someone else whom You truly needed and valuable. If it's not about You, then go ahead.
When the two lovers hearts starting to live together, suddenly become noticeable not only the ideals and dignity, but also a huge number of disadvantages. And here the first disappointment and nuisance status. And then there are doubts: not hurried me. You have more time again to escape into love, because "Chemistry of love" no longer works. And so, as before, will be gone. Those pink glasses are lost, and there is a period of quarrels and clarify the relationship. Everyone wants the ideal. And to understand perfectly, and fulfilled all desires, and was attentive and caring always. To feel that he wants to say or guess that you need to "clear sun" when it comes home. Just like with his beloved mother. If there is one. And if it was not in early childhood, the partner is doubly obliged to understand and try for the first baby, yourself and mother, which is something not received. And maybe gave so much that can match it nobody can. And then the whole world of another person shall revolve around a beautiful spring flower Narcissus. And if not, it means that the partner is bad and needs to be replaced. It's a need and children's ideas about an idealized maternal love or its lack, which is also not uncommon. The egocentrism of this period relations are sometimes so great that someone of the partners can adopt or adopt to another. But then the child grows up and is separated from the parent, as befits a young teenager and goes to his new life in his new adventures. And someone stays with someone else's emotional debts to deal with his parenting alone in his loneliness. Maybe already with their real children.
This is the period when a couple starts to fight and to convert each other and this leads to separation. And the search for new relationships that will likely end as well. Or, in an adult way, discussing together and talking. Begin to accept each other with all faults. And then, most likely, will be a period of patience.
So, if you decided to part with romantic love and an adult to build relationships, you want to or not, you have to go through a period of relationship building with a partner. And they begin with the acceptance that there are shortcomings in all. And perhaps what's so annoying in a partner, it has no relation.
And this is the moment when a couple comes for professional help of a psychologist. And it is from this point begins the study of himself and his nedovolstvo. Why should they? where? To be patient and wait that is perfectly normal all change is impossible and unproductive. It is a hidden conflict, and all the hardships of relationships alone can not overcome. Still tear. Patience does not mean to tolerate.
Patience means tolerance. This is the beginning of that same love. And then the children's selfishness, which, as a rule, prevails in the state: not seen, not heard, not considered with my opinion, not appreciated, not given, not accepted, not like I give more — where is my reward? and so... begins to turn the man to himself. I tell You, this is a complex and difficult path. To recognize what I believed in and did and said, it is not so. And to realize in himself his own imperfection very painful. Knowledge and awareness are two different things. And the pain will have to cause yourself more than physical pain. Not everyone, even the most strong and courageous, capable of it. But this is the path that leads to intimacy with ourselves and intimacy with others. You can, of course, change the partner, identifying it as a suit, a couple or a dozen years, and to leave misunderstood and pienennys. But very few people know that sexuality is not love, silence does not mean consent, compliance does not mean respect and acceptance has nothing to do with the recognition... Just knowing and feeling, acquainted with their "bad qualities", taking them, finding a place for them in the here and now, to answer your questions, why? — in relation to themselves and to the people, identify with their needs and values, and learning with joy and pleasure to share what You have with a partner — puteshestvuyte on
Believe me, you're close enough to the desired point, but you may not like it. The service is not romantic love. It is the highest manifestation. I want do not from the position that I endorse, but simply because I want to. And ask nothing in return. Here begins the exchange of joy and pleasure. But to come to this period of relations is possible only after passing all the previous ones. It is a prerequisite. Love is not for something. Not for money, not for good. Emotional comfort and warmth. In exchange for the same. Love need to nurture in ourselves and in a partner, not forgetting the fact that his values and needs can other and that they are something, eventually became a common need together and work hard. And each separately. Yielding in the little things and making the new total for two. And then you receive respect. And many lived the trials of life, support, attention to each other, with the understanding and knowledge that there is someone I can trust, somewhere near, and only then there is trust and gratitude. Only then there is an exchange of energy, feelings, thoughts... And all that is mine, becomes common. One, the greatest feeling. Love.
Pleasure and quiet joy from the fact that someone who is near and not say a word what I said. And everything is done synchronously without the. Your partner becomes Your mirror, but not the curve - as usual. A mirror that reflects the unseen beautiful aspects of Your soul and helps You to become more holistic, unique, and true to his nature and spiritual closeness. And this is the same love that looking for years and years, passing by and sometimes leaving behind those who loved and were close. Changing to passion, to love, to play the relationship game in "fashionable" and. Maybe not to play, and live, live and be healthy, you need to learn what was once just a given, and for various reasons lost. Because love endures everything, believes everything, endures all things and never ceases to be. She's responsible and undemanding. And maybe if you come to a true friendship, sensuality, tolerance, service, respect and trust with a constant correction for yourself, you can come to what is called true love.
It is possible to pass all the stages without the enormous losses and experiences, need to know and understand yourself. To be able to feel love in yourself and respect for yourself. To be able to love people. To find her place in itself, not as in the old tale: "a Needle in egg, egg in a duck, a duck in a hare"...Love it inside each of us. It is given to us as a great blessing and a great challenge. As a way to himself.
After all, if artisticheskoe with devotion, not with a sincere sense of belong to something and will give nothing. If you start from the position that the whole world is spinning around me and I do what I want, and nothing to accept and will not tolerate, then love can not find. "Because the glass is full — egocentric attachment to himself," And love is sharing. But what to change?
And in the end, you can porobovat output as desired tips:
· To be able to fall in love. Not afraid of close relations. To be able to be in them.
· To be able to abandon its fantasy that romantic love is forever
· Able to negotiate and be tolerant. Allow to be their shortcomings. And disadvantages another person.
· To be able to choose from a variety of people. And for this — to know and understand yourself. Knowing and feeling are weaknesses. Always, every day to work on myself.
· To be able to feel the respect, trust and feel emotional warmth and comfort in his loneliness to himself. To be able to share and exchange and relations. Because, as if to fill himself with another person, then you do not love it, but rather a dependence on someone or something.
· To learn to love. Every day, starting with a question to myself... I love and how I feel it?
Because love is a feeling which all of us donated, but it's not a random gift. It is a reward for effort, the desire to overcome difficulties and the ability to do a lot of work on myself and in a relationship together with her partner.love, love story