Writer and psychologist Alina Deliss talks about the intricacies of this problem.
It seems like only yesterday you together, read books, did crafts in kindergarten and rehearsed poems on the Christmas party. And today, your daughter graduated from high school, went to College and even found a part-time job. Isn't it time to let it float freely? And how to recognize the moment when grown-up offspring have to start living separately? Alina Deliss shares his thoughts about the problems and methods of solving it.
Why the child does not want to leave?
Quite often you can hear the example of "the good life" and lead to a model of relations between parents and children in the West, where at age 18 the child is considered an adult and should live separately. Always glad to see at family gatherings and on weekends, parents do not stop loving, just the child changing their permanent place of residence, he begins to build his life and make decisions. But our Russian mentality is different from overseas. It so happened that over the years live with their parents after reaching adulthood and even actually owning family — is normal. Not the last role in this is the high cost of housing, whether buying or renting. Plus, young professional who is still learning, or just graduated, it is difficult to immediately find a job with a high salary. But how to be in a situation if the teen was lucky he earns enough, and therefore can afford to live separately, but in every way delaying the moment and not in a hurry to leave the parents ' house? To understand why children do not want to leave from under the wing of mom and dad is very easy: they just like to live at home. Especially if the family has a warm relationship, treat each other with love and respect. "Why all this change"? — I think the teenager.
And parents are often not in a hurry to release the child into adulthood. They are in early childhood form the child's absolute dependence on its decisions. Children are not taught independence and consumer self-service. They have no responsibilities at home, they do not participate in decision-making, and only enjoy all the benefits that they give parents. Moreover, some loving moms and dads from time to time and even throw adult children pocket money "for entertainment". Is it any wonder that the teenager is in no hurry to close the door behind you?
Writer, psychologist Alina Delicately press services
When the time came?
So when it is the right time to start to live independently? Alina Deliss believes that every teenager is a time comes in your life. "Even psychologists with the world name can't come to a consensus. To resolve this issue will have to work together, parents and child. If the son or daughter is not yet able to decide, make a Mature decision, no need to rush. Instead, help to go through this experience with minimal losses, because you have the power to create all conditions: to control the choice of agent, the amount of the Deposit, the future landlord and so on. And do not escalate the situation, not to intimidate the child "horror stories" about adult life. Understand that the need for independence is one of the stages of normal human development," says Alina.
Don't be afraid to discuss the future with your child.
How to begin nurturing self-reliance? After you have a child entering high school will not be superfluous to discuss the plans. How he sees his future life? Plans to fully concentrate on their studies or to seek jobs in their spare time? Whether he needs financial aid and in what amount? If it is not entered the UNIVERSITY, what to do?
"Agree, how many attempts at "self-realization" are you ready to provide and pay for the teenager. And what will it be? Paid education classes with Tutors or temporary courses? — Advises the writer. — If the child does not want to learn, how much time are you willing to support him? When a teenager starts to look for a job? What amount of financial assistance he needs for the first time? And when he will make a feasible contribution in the family budget? All this is very important, my son or daughter should have a strong feeling that, despite your love and care, he or she will have to start to make their own decisions, and most importantly, to take responsibility for them, and to ourselves".independence, Alina Deliss