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Why don't need to search your soul mate

Expert Maria Dyachkova refutes the most common myth about the relationship between lovers

Turn on the radio with any musical wave. TV any well-known movie about love. Minute on the second direct text or subtext of the characters will make it clear that looking for a soul mate. And the content of the songs will say: "I without you absolutely nothing, but with you I someone. Without you my world does not make sense". In this spirit, full of hits, as well as their admirers.
However, what is detrimental to the relationship is the idea that to be happy you need to meet your soulmate. As if before this there was a half person and finding the other half was a solid.
Nevertheless, with the tenacity and perseverance of men and women looking for someone who will be part of the native soul understands perfectly,
Love, namely her characteristic total admiration and adoration of your partner, so desirable to most people. The Internet is awash with articles on how to restore the passion in a relationship, how to re-fall in love with her husband. People, as in hypnosis, ignore the fact that the relationship is a Mature process which has its own stage of development, is quite natural. And often love, warm the merger is only the beginning of a long journey.

Fulfilling relationship will destroy the idea that we are two halves of a whole. In fact, in a relationship involving two full-fledged partner. It's nice, but in the life of couples tend to revert to the early stages of the novel. Sometimes these attempts are unhealthy and unnatural, like Breakfast-lunch and dinner cake with whipped cream. On this diet how long can you hold out? A day or two? Then vomit. So why in a relationship it is necessary to insist that someone unconditionally loved and accepted, complemented and protected the other, not having the opportunity to expand your affiliate repertoire?

About this is a short example from a recent consultation. Asked a couple, which in peak moments, their quarrels are threatening each other with divorce. And claims them are. Husband recently had intermittent work, but my wife needed the family life and the needs of their young child. On this ground often had scandals in which his wife did not mince words, accusing her husband, in what financial situation the whole family was because of him. My husband could not bear to hear swearing. Each of them with anger on each other and resentment was thinking about divorce as the only possible result of this stage in their lives. At the consultation, they began to voice his own family contract.

It turned out that even before the wedding they, in a fit of passion and hot times of love, gave each other promises that her husband will be a source of Finance, and the wife will be kind and understanding, supportive and correct, veiling complaints and criticism in a soft conversation. It would seem that it should be. Try to refute this approach!

In fact, it turned out that these promises to each other have been given not from free will. The fact that this man grew up in a family where swearing and fighting parents, were his daily little hell. And the woman grew up in a family where the father drank away the wages, leaving her mother with a pile of debt. Coming out of these families, they were given every man a vow in their hearts, so that my life will never happen. And if so, this is the end! And then they met each other at the stage of desire to conquer each other gave the most cherished promises.

Creating its own family relations and personal way is much wider than the narrow corridor of behavior, dictated by the restrictions they expected from each other that once "you're my other half, it just will not let me live through it again". But to demand that from a partner — all the same what to shout after the departing train. Moreover, when partners are so adjusted to each other, not to cause secondary damage, they are relations not as they are, their pain, and challenges personal growth. They are relationships distorted, crutches for each other. And when at last, and it happens in every marriage, they discover a discrepancy of this distorted perception with a real person, this is a test of maturity in the relationship. If then the partners to respect each other and support to each of them solved my personal problem, or break the relationship in search of a more comfortable crutch.

At the consultation, the husband shouted: "Call a loved one — is the last thing. I don't want to see you." She answered him: "Work for two, having a man in the house — that last thing. I'm divorcing you."

Through negotiations we found out that her husband was trying to say: "don't insult me, don't make me go through my feeling of humiliation and fear, as it was in my childhood". And she was trying to answer: "Take care of me you like you can like you didn't give up, as my father is an alcoholic." When we turned the subtext of these conversations, the pair sat amazed at what they require from each other, which can not provide for yourself. He doesn't know how to handle feelings of humiliation, which is much more years in him than their marriage. She found that her resentment and indignation at the weak partner is resentment of a little girl who suddenly discovered that the Pope is not omnipotent and buckled under the pressure of the disease. And in marriage it is impossible now to get his partner to cover these feelings about yourself.

Each of them went silent, busy thinking about their own personal task. Each of them will have to take responsibility for their own perception of themselves, their dramas and twists of fate, through a meaningful lesson and nastoyashemu to meet with your partner not as a function but as a full witness and partner in life's journey. A woman needs to go the way of finding their own supports, and not all-powerful partner close, and the man — way to protect themselves and their own values, regardless of the humiliation in his parents ' house. Or cowardly, but so popular, slip into blaming each other and look for a more advanced function in the form of new partners in life.

What you choose? To find soulmate? Make your partner a versatile therapist who understands your pain and share the burdens of a hard fate? Or secured to each of you to be generous and full partner for each other?

conflict, quarrel, family relations

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